2016 has been, by far, the busiest year I have had, and it has also been one of the best in many ways. I often have long deliberations whilst I am driving (recently 1000+ miles a week) about meaningful blog entries, comment and observations that I would like to put into words. Sometimes I astound myself at the pretentiousness of believing I have something useful to say, and then other times I really feel the need to get something written, even if no one agrees with it, or even reads it.
However, as it is, I have neither the time or inspiration to think that deeply and co-ordinate thoughts when the 'to do' lists grow. It's all a choice how we allocate our hours, minutes, seconds. Right now, mine is given over to long work days, riding, spending time with a fantastic partner, and trying to keep in touch with those others I care for. There are a number of folk I value deeply, and most of them probably have no idea what an inspiration or source of comfort they offer. Would sacrificing any of this be worthwhile to write some text likely to be lost amid the white noise of the world wide web?
I think not.
Over recent years I have changed significantly in my perception of purpose, and who we are. As time passes I have felt that things happen when the time is right. You can, (and maybe should?) work to be a better person, to help more, to get more done, or to improve whatever your bugbear is, but stressing about these things not happening is a pointless waste of time and energy. In the same way, there is little point in trying to fit in with folk; true friends accept you for who you are, with whatever flaws you have, and however big the fuck-ups are that you make.
That's not to say it's alright to deliberately be a selfish twunt. It's saying it's OK to make twuntish decisions, realise you are wrong, and to move on from it. It's also OK to make decisions that other people may think are twuntish, but that you know, deep down in your heart, are the right ones for you to make. No one is perfect, and no one is every one's cup of tea. I used to wish I could be 'cool calm and collected'. Well, in the same way as I will never be a prima ballerina, I will never have standoffish quietness and captivating assurance. No. I will always be excitable, loud, probably annoying to some, and massively emotional. I will no doubt continue to break or loose anything fragile, electronic, expensive or small. BUT I will continue to love the rollercoaster that life throws my way, and continue to love the folk that stay in my sphere of influence, despite having to dodge the fallout from the bull-in-a-china-shop way I stumble through life, and the fact I am, mostly unintentionally, egocentric. This paragraph being a classic example. It was supposed to be a general comment about letting things be, and it has instead become all about me. Ha!